Pupillage and How to Get It.: Collective Nouns

Monday, 8 October 2007

Collective Nouns

I thought I would try to assist so that you all know where you are when it comes to interviews. Everyone agrees that these are accurate; use them without fear.

Lawyers: a bore
Silks: an egotism
Circuit Judges: a squabble
High Court Judges: a self-satisfaction
Lay Magistrates: a worry
District Judges (Crime): an irritation
District Judges (Civil): an arbitrariness
Recorders: an ambition
Juniors below 10 years call: an aspiration
Juniors above 10 years call: an envy
Members of Pupillage Committees: a nightmare
Pupillage Applicants: a beg
Pupils: an ASBO (thank you Charon - too good not to include)

All other suggestions welcome.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...: Instructing solicitors: a briefness; 9 October 2007 at 00:05
Anonymous said...: Blawgers? - a pitch?... a case?... an asylum?

Who knows... but one day.... we will be given a collective - (Some may even get an ASBO); 9 October 2007 at 17:06
Anonymous said...: And (if we believe all that we read) Criminal Practitioners: a poverty.; 9 October 2007 at 22:30
Anonymous said...: LLM Students: A cop out.
Someone who can't get pupillage: A paralegal.; 10 October 2007 at 21:53
Anonymous said...: Someone with a 2.2 : A no-hoper.; 10 October 2007 at 22:01
Anonymous said...: Pupillage Applicants ( in the alternative) A Whine , A Moan , A Bleat or an Outrage(d) of same, perhaps?!?; 11 October 2007 at 14:31
Anonymous said...: Some people clearly don't grasp what a collective noun is...; 11 October 2007 at 15:36

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

I am a barrister practising on the North Eastern Circuit - which is obviously the best in the country. I was suitably prepared for life at the bar by the constant, grinding, ceaseless and unremitting study of law.

I graduated in 1984, married Nicole in 1987 and moved from London to Leeds at the same time. Since then I have developed some sort of a practice, had 4 children (all girls as you can see above. And is that a CUTE photo or what?) and put on 2 stone and (according to my family though I can't myself see it) another couple of chins. I feel that I now conform to the public ideal of my profession, although I don't recall being an evil parasite who is only interested in bankrupting the Treasury. I simply strive towards four weddings and a bankruptcy.

We have a dog called Sally who is an outstanding example of the Heinz breed.

For my sins I support Leeds United - if you are tempted to laugh just remember that I sit as a Recorder, so I can send you to prison. The consolation used to be that the rest of my family is bound to Middlesborough AFC, which conclusively proved that every cloud has a silver lining. Now Middlesborough have been in Europe (and there wasn't even a war) there is no consolation - no wonder people turn to religion.

In keeping with my commitment to modernity, the website is relaunched as a Blog - only about 2 years after blogs became what everyone has. For the legal profession this is lightening fast. Truthfully, the need for rebirth is because I forgot how to update the website, lost all the passwords and began to feel that the site was losing what relevance it had.

You are reading this because you want, you mad fool you, to be a barrister. There are no guarantees but this will, I hope, help. Field testing suggests that it does - hence the strapline above which Ronseal (who do not pay me) should take as a compliment. If they sue I will post an appeal for a fighting fund.

I have included some useful links below and some less than useful jokes below that. The excuse is that it is everyone's job to wring as much pleasure from life as they legitimately (important word that) can and thus there should be the minimum possible divide between business and pleasure...

Barrister Jokes

Please do not crack these in interviews and expect to get a Pupillage.

What's the difference between God and a Barrister? God doesn't think He's a barrister.

What's the difference between a barrister and a broken watch? Neither of them work - but the watch is right twice a day.

What's the difference between a BVC student and a mobile phone? A mobile phone comes with a plan.

What's the difference between a pupil and a mushroom? No difference, they're both kept in the dark and have loads of shit shovelled on them.

How many barristers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

The Barrister wakes up after surgery and asks; 'why are the curtains drawn?' The nurse says, 'there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.'

Why can't barristers have sex with their clients? To prevent double billing.

What happens to a barrister when he takes viagra? He gets taller.

What's the difference between a barrister and a duck? Once in a while the duck will stick its bill up its arse.

Why do surgeons love barristers? Because they're easy to operate on: gutless, with no organs except lips and arseholes - and those are interchangeable.

Barrister chat up line? 'I'm a barrister. I'm trained to get you off'.

Why did the barrister cross the road? To sue the chicken.

How do you get 100 barristers in a Mini? You make 1 a High Court Judge and the other 99 will crawl up his arse.

What do you get when you cross a barrister with a demon from hell? A barrister.

What's the difference between a barrister and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a cat and a barrister? One is an arrogant creature which will utterly ignore you unless you can do something for it. The other is a pet.

On holiday with their respective families Joe meets Max who he hasn't seen for years. 'What are you doing with yourself these days' he asks. 'I'm a barrister' whispers Max, 'but don't tell my wife. She thinks I'm still a pimp'.

What's the difference between a barrister and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.

A client comes to Chambers for a conference and is told that her barrister has died. The next day she comes back and asks to see that same barrister. The receptionist says 'He's dead and you know that. Why are you asking to see him?' The client replies, 'I just love hearing it'.

A pupil was sent to a far-away town to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After 3 days he won the case and the client was acquitted. Excited about his success, the pupil texted his pupilmaster "Justice prevailed." The pupilmaster replied in haste: "Go back in and ask for permission to appeal."

A London Silk goes shooting in Yorkshire and kills a pheasant, which falls into a field on the other side of a fence. As he climbs the fence, an elderly gentleman asks him what he's doing. The Silk responds, “I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.” The old farmer replies, “This is my property, and tha's not coming in.” The indignant Silk says, “I am in Chamber's Guide and the Legal 500. If you don’t let me get the pheasant, I’ll sue you!" The farmer smiles and says, “Tha' don’t know how we do things 'ere in Yorkshire. We settle disagreements like this wit' Three-Kick Rule.” The Silk asks, “What's that?" The Farmer replies “Fust I kick thee three times, then tha kicks me three times, and so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up.” The Silk quickly decides that he can easily take the old farmer and agrees. The farmer slowly walks up to the Silk. His first kick plants his heavy work boot into the Silk’s groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes the man’s nose off his face. The Silk is flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly causes him to give up. But he summons every bit of his will power and manages to get to his feet and say, “Okay, you old bastard, now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiles and says, “Nay lad, I give up. Tha can have t'pheasant.”

Pupillage and How to Get It.

Disclaimer

Editorial

Monday, 8 October 2007

Collective Nouns

7 comments:

Contact

Posts - The major posts are listed first. They are the meat of the site and are updated regularly.

Links

Your Chance to Express Yourself...

The Myersonettes

About Me

Barrister Jokes

Count the Omer

And Counting...